TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
