All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
