i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
