The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
