My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
