I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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