if i can run in heels then i can drive
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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