I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
