The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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