If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
