my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's never too late to be topless.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
