There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We need a shit load of segways right now
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
