Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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