Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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