My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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