I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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