when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
