It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
