I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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