just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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