Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
