Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
