He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
