Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
