As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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