New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
