oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
