Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
We got so high we made milksteak
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
