I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
