Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
