I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
