My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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