i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
