i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The uberlube is also flammable
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
