There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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