I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
