after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Randomize
