wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
