as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
