I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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