There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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