So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Mom said you looked used
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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