I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
