I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
