Did you just see the Batmobile???
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
