How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i barfeds in our rink
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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