We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
