Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I fill condoms, not promises.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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