My first STD was from a foam party
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
