I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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